Umpire Heckles

Blind Ump

Note: Perhaps the most well known heckle of all time, "Kill the Ump!" was first recorded in Ernest L. Thayer's 1888 poem "Casey at the Bat." Today, possibly because of the legal repercussions of screaming a threat on a mans life, the term is seldom used. The majority of Umpire heckles revolve around two common themes. 1/ The Ump is blind and 2/ The Ump is partial. The Professional umpire is not usually within earshot of the bleachers. For this reason heckles must be short enough to bellow, usually not exceeding one line.

Sweep the plate! It's the least you can do Baseball Go get 'em, blue! Arf! Arf! Arf! (when the coach's mound visit has been going on too long) Baseball Move around, you're tiltin' the infield Baseball Do you take Visa or American Express?

You're killing me, blue Baseball Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game? Baseball It sure sounded like a strike! Baseball How'd you get a square head in that round mask? Baseball DId they stopped printing the rulebook in Braille?

Don't donate your eyes to science, they don't want em' Baseball Does your wife let you make decisions at home? Baseball Pull the good eye out of your pocket Baseball I thought only horses slept standing up! Baseball Flip over the plate and read the directions Baseball Change the ump!

Wipe the dirt off that called strike Baseball Sure you don't want to phone a friend? Baseball You can open your eyes now! Baseball Sit down, bus driver! Baseball If you need the money that bad, get a paper route!

That was a strike in any bowling alley Baseball You flipping coins? Baseball Is that your final answer? Baseball Take off that welding mask Baseball What's your magic word?

What's the count Blue? Baseball Dog Robber! Baseball Lenscrafter called...they'll be ready in 30 minutes Baseball Open your good eye Baseball When your dog barks twice, its a strike!

Next time buy a ticket if you're going to watch! Baseball Can I buy you another beer? Baseball Eat a salad! Baseball Kick your dog, he's lying to you! Baseball I bet if you had a biscuit that plate would be clean! Baseball Call 1-800-loseweight!

Do you get any better or is this it? Baseball You're blinking too long! Baseball Do you travel with this team? Baseball Come on, MCI doesn't make that many bad calls! Baseball Munch! Munch! Munch! The ump's out to lunch!

I'm gonna break your cane and shoot your dog Baseball You couldn't make the right call if you had a phone book Baseball You couldn't make a call in a phone booth Baseball Juuuuuust a bit outside Baseball Move around Ump, you're killin' the grass!

Leave the gift giving to Santa! Baseball Take out your glass eye and wash it Baseball OK....the next call should be ours Baseball Guess again, the last call was wrong Baseball Who signs your game checks?

Hey blue, do you feel guilty? Baseball Be careful when you back up, so you don't fall over your dog Baseball If the pitcher is throwing too fast for you, we can ask him to slow it down Baseball The manager called, your uniform is ready Baseball Your strike zone is a moving target

You're getting better, you almost made the right call that time Baseball Punch a hole in that mask, you're missing a good game Baseball Hey Ump, how can you sleep with all these lights on Baseball If you're just gonna watch the game, buy a ticket Baseball Stevie Wonder could see that one

I've seen potatoes with better eyes! Baseball Looked pretty good from up here ump! Baseball I wish you'd have resigned! Baseball Do your sleeping at home ump!
Baseball Lets go to video replay! Baseball The manger called...he's got your check

Is that guy your nephew, ump? Baseball Why don't you get your seeing eye dog to call it for you? Baseball Hey Mr. guess! Nice call! Baseball Ump, you're calling a worse game than a NFL ref! Baseball Nice umpiring, Mr. Quayle!

Little Boy Blue! Baseball Your honor! I'd like to appeal that call! Baseball 3 Blind Mice, 3 Blind Mice, Baseball For a guy that almost works 2 hours a day, you're doing a pretty bad job! Baseball Hey blue, if you had one more eye you'd be a Cyclops

If you knew one thing about Newton's law of gravity, that would have been called a strike Baseball Hey Blue, try looking BETWEEN the bars on your mask! Baseball RING..RING....Wake up call, ump! Baseball You couldn't see the plate if your dinner was on it! Baseball Wake up ump, You're missing a great game!

Where can I get an application? Baseball Shake your head ump, your eyes are stuck! Baseball Sure is nice calling 'm safe, ain't it? Baseball Blue, you suck! Baseball This guy busted his behind running 90 ft, the least you could do is move 10 ft to make a call Baseball If that pitch were any more inside it would've ...(if near his gut) taken out his appendix!...(if near his knee) been arthroscopy surgery! Baseball Put a helmet on that worm!

(New York) If that pitch were any further outside it would be in Connecticut! Baseball (Subway-city specific) Come on, ump! If that pitch were any lower it would be in the subway! Baseball Just 'cause it's a night game, doesn't mean you should be asleep! Baseball If stupidity were bricks, you'd be Fenway Park! Baseball Those are radio balls he's throwing--you can hear 'em but you can't see 'em.

Heckel Depot

Reproduced with permission from

Strange Events / Strange Injuries

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